Lane Kiffin is leaving for another family, and Layla isn't happy.

Fake (Sports) News; Real Funny

LOS ANGELES – Just weeks after leaving the University of Tennessee for the greener grass of Southern California, the new Trojans' head football coach Lane Kiffin announced Thursday he has agreed to take the open head father position of another family, leaving his current family behind to pick up the pieces.

“It was just too good of a fit to pass up," Kiffin said in the press conference, with his new, better looking, more successful family proudly looking on. “I really enjoyed the time I spent with my old family and appreciate the opportunity they gave me as father, son, and husband, but it was time to move on.”

Kiffin will be joining the Joneses immediately, replacing the family’s six-time Father of the Year, Pete Jones – who left his family to pursue a position in a struggling Seattle family.

“I wanted to get into my new family and home as quickly as possible,” Kiffin said. “This is a pivotal time for any new father and family staff.”

The deal happened behind closed doors and without much warning, resulting in a lot of criticism and harsh reactions from sportswriters, family enthusiasts, and Kiffin’s old family. His old daughters, Landry and Pressley, lashed out with some serious backtalk and were sent to bed without dinner. Baby Knox Kiffin was found burning his crib mattress and had to be sedated with several rattlers, a set of keys, and tear gas.

But as Kiffin mentioned, the deal had to be rushed because the winter is the most important time for a family to prepare for the coming season and school year, and it is the best time to conceive any new recruits.

“He had spent some time with the Joneses in the past, so I’m not surprised he would go back to them when the position opened up,” said family affairs expert Gary Buckman. “Eight years is a long time to be married to anyone. C’mon! And they just had a newborn and his daughters are always getting into trouble. Who wants to deal with that?”

“It was a pretty selfish move if you ask me,” said Dwayne Johnson, Kiffin’s second cousin. “I mean. What about us? We haven’t been a good family since, I want to say, 1998. He was supposed to rebuild.”

Many critics, however, are saying that Kiffin left not just for the money and smoking hot wife, but to go to a weaker, less competitive neighborhood. He inherits the biggest house on the cul-de-sac on a street where the Joneses have dominated for year, along with the prettiest wife and the most talented kids, but many think the young Kiffin has yet to prove himself as a father or husband…or a man, in general.

Some say he just wanted a new daddy, grandpa Jones, who would play catch with him and listen to his ideas, and not just drill him about football plays and strategy, while also never saying “stop being such a homo” when presenting his own new football play.

Kiffin, who is settling into his new LA home, is also reported to be in negotiations with Notre Dame’s new head coach, the former Cincinnati Bearcat coach Brian Kelly, to trade jobs mid season in 2010 – “just to mix shit up a bit.”

The Kiffins – wife Layla and children Landry, Pressley, and Knox – are now interviewing possible fathers to fill the vacancy.

“Fuck him,” said Layla Kiffin.

So far, though nothing has been announced, Bruce Pearl has been rumored to be the next potential husband to take Kiffin's place.

Though Pearl has denied this, he did say, "Oh yeah. I'd hit that."

Contributor Peter Alan Herbert – “Writer Dude” – is a master of flapdoodle and rigmarole. You can catch more of his Fake (Sports) News, Real Funny, short stories, rants, and other musings at www.peteralanherbert.com. Stay tuned to The Blue Workhorse for more from the Writer Dude.

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